All the time, on my mind, everywhere I go, I’m tryna let you know, stronger then any drug even love…Can drive you crazy, can make a baby, all night long it’s the perfect song…

- Three Letter Word by Jamie Foxx

Let me begin by prefacing this post, tightly holding onto the reigns of celibacy I probably have a skewed vision of what sex is to the outside world, but here we go.

Is it that serious? Stronger then any drug, even love? Besides the need for sex to reproduce and continue our species, I think sex is important to a relationship (preferably in the confines of marriage). And I am not one of those persons who think sex should only happen when trying to reproduce, archaic and old fashion as that may sound some people feel that way. Sex has become more like a greeting, then the meeting of two minds showing affection with one’s body.

Perhaps if you read this blog, you get the indication that I’m old fashioned. You’re right. I won’t naively sit up here and say sex won’t happen outside of marriage, heck I’ve done it myself, but its becoming like a contact sport. I can understand someone’s desire to do it, heck even a need, but under some sort of restraint. Some will as soon shake your hand as get down with you.

We’ve taken the romance, sincerity, sanctity, and all that good stuff out of sex. I don’t mean to preach, I just think that laying down with someone should be sacred. If you need a quick fix, do some jumping jacks or take a cold shower. I’m not saying don’t get down…just use some discretion when getting down.

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Note: This post is for entertainment purposes only.

Jumpoff sounds so much nicer than cut buddy, cutty buddy, or f!ck friend doesn’t it?
A friendly term for a “friendly” set up, especially for the single sista that isn’t ready to settle down, but also isn’t ready to take a vow of celibacy.

What can I say..when I first moved to Atlanta…I was on this whole…let me wait for the right guy to come along, start a relationship, and then after 6 months we can..you know do it. That whole idea went up in smoke when a sista met Mississippi Slim in the mall. GootGawd…thinking about that now has me feeling like someone just said Mufasa. Boy a whole bunch of firsts happened during that 6 am booty call (what can I say…he worked nights). Man…I lost my Atlanta virginity and lawd….what a turbulent youth I had…LOL. Let me stop before yall think my loft was a secret hoasis or something. I’ll just say that my introduction to jump offery was a wonderful one. MUFASA!

Hmmm…I know none of yall got the shit face on right now. B.I.G. Girl lovin is on another level…you better recognize.

In the last 4.5 years I’ve learned that in order to have a successful and ideal jump-off situation you must follow a code of ethics:


Please remember there are different types of cut buddies with different codes of ethics…this is for your bottom of the barrel cut buddy relationship. Batteries sold seperately.

1. Always go to his house. Shoot…there’s power in getting up in leaving..believe that.

2. Yall do not need to be friends, shit you really don’t need to talk, unless of course you’re giving instructions

3. Text messages should be limited to “I’m on my way…”

4. B.I.G. Girls always have their own protection

5. Kissing should be minimal

6. After sex dialogue should be limited to “I’ll holla” or “See you on the flip”

7. If the sex sucked, no need to go back. Feedback is optional

8. If your phone rings, answer it and speak in a regular tone. Your reponse to you caller should be “Naw I ain’t busy’

9. There is no form of communication before 9:00 p.m.

10. His real name should never ever be in your phone. Instead he needs a nickname like “Bonecrusher,” “FaceMan,” or “Head Master”

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Today I won’t think of you for a full 24 hours…
Maybe 20…
But definitely not a complete 24.
And uhm…
Tonight…
I won’t dream about you…
Maybe tomorrow…
But definitely not tonight.
And uhm…
This afternoon…
I won’t lose myself in daydreams about you…
Maybe later this week…
But not right now.
And uhm…
At some point I’m going to forget about you…
But I guess not anytime soon.

Copyright ©2008 Suezette Yasmin Robotham

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I’ve been having a continuous dialogue with black women as of late about how black men perceive them.  I feel this dialogue is one filled with finger pointing, sometimes bitterness, a general lack of understanding, but beneath it all a willingness to want to understand each other.  We’re rapidly approaching a fork in the road.  To the left there is this general, “I give up,” let it be, if it comes it comes.  And, to the right, sympathy for each other, trying to find a place where we can just BE together.

I personally want to drive my love bug around the bend to the right, but the issues are deeply rooted. Let me give the general gripe black women have with black men (as if we all aren’t aware).  Black men are inconsistent, we aren’t stepping up to the plate when taking care of business (taking care of kids, financially, education, etc.), we are unfaithful, and when we do take care of our business we get the big head and stray away from our black women.

Man, we sound bad.  I don’t buy it all, but I can concede to some of those things.  Black men are dropping the ball, I look around and see black women in higher education, scholars, making moves and all the while making money.  But it isn’t completely one-sided.  I think that women and men alike create these fictions for ourselves.  We come to conclusions about each other rather then take each other individually as we come.

Black men are attracted to all women for the most part.  True most black men want to be with a black woman, but we are attracted to them all.  If we come upon a Hispanic, Asian, Indian, etc., and we are attracted to them, its on and popping.  This decreases the pool for eligible black men for black women and let’s face it some black women don’t like that. Also, its particularly disheartening when our white counterparts are marrying and dating at a much higher rate.

What is wrong with us?  A question I rarely hear but lately has been popping up in this continuous “there are no good men out here” conversation. Its human nature to point the finger at other people when things don’t go your way.  Its comes down to supply and demand I think, but I’m not totally convinced that these women are really wanting to find a good guy.  So much to talk about, there will be a part two.  I need some feedback.

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“But if we label this…just picture what we might lose…that unexpected kiss, the whole feelin that brought me to you…”- Bilal, from “Love Poems”

I’m not big on titles. It has nothing to do with being non-conformist either…
I just think there’s pressure and obligation that comes along with titles. Extra responsibilities for peoples’ feelings and what not. For the most part I don’t mind ambiguity as long as everyone involved is clear on what the fuzzy boundaries might be…thats so oymoronic, but ah well…

It’s funny then that for a very long time…I had a label taped to my forehead that I didn’t even know was there…emotional girlfriend..

In July of 2007 after some bull went down a male friend of mine introduced me to the concept of being an emotional girlfriend. An emotional girlfriend is defined as, “…a chick you’re not in a relationship with (and may never be)…but you share a deep and emotional connection with. She completes you in a way no other woman can, BUT you’re just not with her.”

Ring a bell for anyone else?

I have no problem being a dude’s “down ass homegirl.” I do that rather well. Platonic is cool with me because it assumes nothing.

Emotional girlfriend…I’m not feeling so much. It seems so have your cake and eat it too.
Its actually an unfair situation to be in, especially if the emotional girlfriend has feelings for her “friend” that transcends friendship.

Problems arise when said “friend” knows his homegirl has feelings for him and instead of being clear that the yellow brick road is not actually yellow, but in fact a murky white…he allows her to believe whatever.

Selfish..yes..
Callous…clearly.

Maybe this post isn’t about emotional girlfriendom, maybe it’s about honesty….
Go figure.

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Fit together so neatly

Complete me completely

Beseech me

But inside so deeply

I didn’t feel empty, but this here was all too swell

And without a holistic feeling of fullness

I needed to get to the bottom of this well

Started from the top every word said

Fit so neatly

Sincerity, not completely

All the right things

So what once felt simply in order

Is distorted.

What was once aligned,

Is in question.

Rewind.

No doubt in my mind you feel for me

That part if real to me

But this feeling of uneasiness…

I’m deeper in this well

Took me a while to tell

Because I had fallen before I knew I had fell

I’m in this boat alone

I pray you find me through the fog

I’d say I’ll try to remain patient

But allowing someone to have this power

Will devour my pride,

I’m writing this for you, but I’ll keep it inside

If you find me afloat still,

Again, not only in my mind

When we fit together so neatly.

IN the same boat,

I’ll read to you what I wrote.

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I want to pay homage to the unspoken dating facilitator. The man who takes one for the team, time and time again. An unsung hero, uncelebrated for the grunt work he puts in for his friends…the WINGMAN. As a good wingman, you’re in awkward situations and awkward positions more often then not, distracting the often times, bitter, unattractive, boring friend, so your homeboy can link up with her friend.

Sometimes your counterpart is the wingwoman, so you simply shoot the breeze, and occupy each other’s time while the real date goes on. I’ve been the wingman, multiple times. I pride myself on my wingman abilities, talking about life and love, making fun of people walking by. The key to good wingmaning is trying to gauge her interests and make her feel comfortable (that is if you take pride in your job).

Are women offended by the wingman? Picture this: You’re at a party with your girl, two men approach, one goes for your friend the other goes for you. Are you getting talk to by the guy who wanted you or the wingman? Heck, maybe it just so happens that you and your girl are what each of them wanted. Maybe the one you got lost a quick game of paper, rocks, scissors. Rewind twenty seconds earlier when the friend of the guy who is talking to your friend was begging the guy talking to you to, “Just run interference, so the ugly one doesn’t hate on me.”

So I guess the moral of the story is…don’t flatter yourself ladies. You might be getting hollered at for the benefit of the next cat. Also wingmen and women out there, I acknowledge you and appreciate you because frankly I am you. Take pride in charming the ugly chick/guy (wow that’s harsh, but true), pave the way for your friend to ‘make a connection’ and stand firm while taking one for the team.

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I love Tyler Perry…especially since I’m really going to grow up to be Madea…lol, but something about Why Did I Get Married simply pissed me off.

I was so turned off by Richard T. Jones’ character “Mike” at the very beginning of the movie that I sat through most of it pissed off. The only reason I didn’t turn it off was because I ordered it On-Demand and didn’t want to waste my $4.99. I’m glad I saw it at home and didn’t see it while it was in the theaters, because I’m the person that talks back to the screen..you know the one that everyone hates…and I really would have yelled, “THIS IS SOME BULLISH!”

My girls are all like what the hell is wrong with me, Why Did I Get Married is like one of the best movies ever. Apparently, none of them have had a married man show interest in them lately. I’m probably just displacing my aggression about cheating ass husbands…

I actually have a pretty non-sequitur view on cheating….”no rings…no strings…no bling…no thing.” I know its so unladylike, but frankly…until you are carrying weight on your fourth finger, left hand…

Anyway, once you’ve gone before GOD and man and said…”I’se married now,” you are off the market until you:
1. Get that ish annulled
2. Get a divorce
3. Die (and technically you take a vow for eternity, so this does not count).

I don’t know when I picked up this habit, but recently before I look a man in his eyes…I look to his left hand for evidence of his bond to another woman. If I’m going to need to repent…let it be for a good sin (not that there is any sin that is good, but you know what I’m saying)… greed or gluttony…you know a low fat sin…not a straight up commandment breaker dawg!

My mother tells this story about when I was three years old and I came to her very seriously and said, “Mummy, if mon nuh love woman…dem need to get ‘vorced.” What can I say…I’ve always been mature for my age…lol. Seriously though, if you are not happy…damnit…go to counseling. If counseling doesn’t work…pray about it (clearly if prayer can’t change things…nothing can). Bringing someone else into…your drama is just…

Shit..Fantasia said it best…FREE YOURSELF!

Hmm..this dude I used to know really well got married not too long ago, and while its been a hot minute since we’ve talked, a recent chain of events put us back in touch. While I made it clear that I was aware that he was married by blatantly saying, “I heard that you’re married, congratulations..” I was quite intrigued, and very much appauled by the response he gave, “This is the worst shit I’ve ever done. I don’t get none. But I wouldn’t mind hanging out with you though.”

SKIRT ON 22s…WTF!

1. Does your wife know…that you feel this way???

and,

2. Do you think this confession of dissatisfaction with your marriage is a good segue into you kicking it with me??

FUCKILOOKLIKE!!!!

I was completely disturbed, so much so that I called one of our boys and asked, “Why did he get married???” His answer was simple and yet so heavy, “He wanted to make her happy.”

*Sigh*

To be continued

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This particular subject is near and dear to me, if any of the readers are familiar with my own personal blog, or even my fairly short stint on B.I.G.  What makes men and women tick and how they differ is very interesting to me.  Trying to figure each other out is dern near impossible, but in my opinion only because we make it that way.  We have long drawn the line in the sand, while flinging stereotypical banter, confused looks, blown kisses, flowers, nasty e-mails, chocolates, gifts, divorce papers, winks, compliments, and sometimes each other across to the other side.  We love each other and hate each other at the same time.

What amazes/perplexes me, is how two bright young individuals (man and woman), can live through the same situation, and see it totally differently.  Is it genetic make up, chromosome misunderstanding?  I’m not sure, but having this type of forum to discuss our differences, creating the Rosetta Stone if you will of male/female translation is a start (though its an arduous task).

I want to turn my attention to “Independence: The Ultimate Catch 22,” an entry made on March 2, 2008 on B.I.G.  I appreciated this post, because it sparked my interest, but also shed light on a phenomenon that is sweeping the nation: this word independence crossing the financial and relationship lines.  It seems that women are getting caught up in their own stereotypes and not understanding that, at one point a woman might have needed a man for financial stability, but just because now finances aren’t in the picture, we aren’t needed for anything else?

“I’m not going to rub your face in what I have, but I’m also not going to act like I can’t be without you, since I know that I work my ass off for all that I do have.”  Are we talking a strictly financial relationship here?  Do men take it upon themselves to invoke “You can’t live without my money” declarations?  I don’t know if I ever want a woman to contemplate whether she can live with or without my money.  In a perfect world, I would hope she felt like she couldn’t be without me because she loves me that much.

I guess my question is: Since when did it start to become all about the money?  I know my parents, like most of our parents didn’t have a dime when they got together.  I remember them getting by on their love for each other and making a life together.  A lot of women are financially independent, but aren’t emotionally independent, or stable for that matter.  It seems the focus is too much on being independent, while other things, more pertinent to being ready for a relationship lack. 

We all want someone who can bring something to the table, but the person with the most chips doesn’t always win.

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Hey fellow B.I.G. peeps. First of all let me apologize for my absence these past couple weeks…sometimes life happens. And a B.I.G. and special thanks to Zette for filling in last week. It was greatly appreciated.

Anyways, about a week and a half ago I loaned a couple pairs of ankle boots to a friend of mine to wear to a Rock n’ Roll party. This got me to thinking, would I have to retire my ankle boots for Spring…or even Fall…the horror! I mean I just bought a pair of ankle boots that are fire…and I don’t feel like I have gotten good use of them yet. So I started researching boot trends…and as it turns out, ankle boots are going to be in for Spring AND Fall. How exciting! I am definitely going to get my money’s worth out of them now.

In fact, ankle boots are noted to be one of the MUST HAVE accessories for Spring and Fall!!!! So let’s discuss the do’s and don’ts of wearing a fierce pair of ankle boots.

Do

1. Wear with boot cut, wide-leg or slim fit jeans

2. Wear with knee length (or a couple inches above the knee) skirts or dresses

3. Rock with a fierce pair of tights if sporting a dress or skirt - preferably a pair that is of a similar color

4. If you got thicker legs, definitely pair them with tights of the same color

5. Pair with jeans and long sweaters

Don’t

1. Wear them with super duper mini-skirts - you will probably look like a lady of the night

2. Wear ankle boots without a heel…YIKES!!!

3. Let socks show over the ankle boot…no matter how much 80s fashion comes back in style, this aint the 80s!

Obviously, the lists above are not exhaustive, but use them as a guide to play with this style. In the words of Heidi Klum, “Auf Wiedersehen” (remember project runway ends tonight).

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