“You know what…let me go ahead and get two.”  Picture it, you’re in a store, just stopped in real quick to get a [insert personal vice here].  You’re thinking one is all you need, but you decide hey, I’ll get two.  I mean you got the money.  Later, when you get that craving again, you won’t have to drive all the way back to the store (besides the store might be out).  Heck, you might even get that craving when the store is closed, then what are you going to do?    

An old head once told me, “You aint a man, unless you can take care of two women.”  Same rationale, different vice (so to speak). For instance, you have this one woman, you love her, but you’ve got the time and money for another one.  When she’s tripping, you can share your time with the other one.  I know its cold to compare a craving for a Twinkie with people, but I think the rationale is the same for the two-timer.  

Now when someone says, “two-timer” they automatically think of a man, but women aren’t exempt from the two-time bug, it strikes all races, both sexes, doesn’t discriminate on the basis of national origin, color, creed and definitely not religion (heck, some encourage it).  Why does the two-timer well…two-time?  I can’t begin to get in the mind of a two-timer, never been one, but it has a certain allure to it.  A man with a lot of women is said to have clout.  Almost no man I know would pass on the opportunity to have two beautiful women over one.

If you take out the minor detail that it’s just flat out wrong, the two-timer is really supplementing their needs.  Perhaps that person isn’t getting all he/she needs in one relationship.  I know what you’re saying, get out.  Nevertheless, how many people are actually getting all they need/want out of their current relationship?  I think it’s simple.  No matter how much someone gets, they will always rationalize that they can have more, or need more.

But is it just being greedy?  You want your cake, and eat it two…heck maybe even three.  Maybe you’re crashing birthday parties and eating all types of cake.  The bottom-line is that you reap what you sow.  Cheating is dead wrong, it creates broken homes, baggage, bitterness, broken hearts, etc.  Men tend to glamorize it, use it as a rung to climb the fictitious totem pole of manhood, but most of all we underestimate its destructiveness. 

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I’ve been told that I have a romanticized view of life and love. As I grow older, I’ve let go of my idealistic view of life, and although I’m losing grip on the proverbial monkey bar of love, I haven’t let go yet. Love is many things. If you ask 100 people what love is, you’re likely to get 100 different answers. Even thinking about my definition isn’t easy, it is based on feeling and action, which equates into a laundry list of things I would do for the one I love. To me the actual feelings is irrational, indescribable and beautiful all at the same time.

We apply principles to love that we would never apply in any other situation. Example: “If you really love a person, let them go and if they come back then they’ll be yours forever.” You wouldn’t do that with a job, or a good friend. It’s irrational. Another one, if it’s meant to be then it will be. Will it? If it was meant for me to have this car, will I have it? No, I have to take the steps to get the car, and once I get it, I have to pay the insurance, and clean it, and pay the car note.

Love is the only topic that EVERYONE is an expert on, yet no one can really fully understand. Love is beautifully irrational, makes some people do things they would never otherwise do. Love hurts. Love is an equal opportunity emotion/feeling/mind-state. It doesn’t care about your IQ, your social status, your sex. At any given time it can hit you, which makes it so elusive. You can’t call on its presence.

Love can’t be bribed. It often comes when we least expect it. You can fight it, you may even win, it may even fade away. Love is fickle. It is so many things. One thing I know for sure, whether you stumble onto it, it finds you, you seek it and if it is merciful enough to have you, make it your own.

Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less.

- Rabbi Julius Gordon

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Happy Valentine’s Day! Valentine’s Day is always bittersweet.  If you have a Valentine, as a male, you’re probably out of some money, depending on your financial situation, that might be a bad thing.  If you don’t have one, well…you don’t have one.  I guess depending on who you are, that’s either great or it sucks.  Because it’s Valentine’s Day, this inevitably highlights people’s status, so let’s talk about status.

There is this new phenomenon, of being Super-Single, versus just being single (I think its more like a personal observation, then an actual phenomenon).  Let me explain.  Being single is sometimes confusing.  For instance, I’ve had periods in time where I am interested in someone, maybe actively talking to someone or multiple persons, but I am none-the-less single.  Maybe you’re in a state of limbo with an ex, dating, etc., so technically you’re single, but occupied.  Super-Single, more telling, and is a state of absolute singledom (yes I made that word up).

Super-Single is a mind-state too.  You may have nothing going on, but if you aren’t emotionally available, then you’re not Super-Single.  To have no emotional ties, that’s Super-Single. Now we’ve reached the “how come” portion of the post.

Why is the grass always greener on the other side, but a grass stain is still a grass stain (its hard to get out)?

Why is innocence such a rarity?

Valentine’s is said to be a woman’s holiday, is that true?

Is so, what holiday do men have?

Did Lenny Kravitz pay BET to play his video?

I’m having “Super-Single” shirts made, you want one (let me know)?

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Why? I ask myself that question all the time. I’m country, so in my head it’s usually “how come.” For instance, “How come ‘how come’ ain’t proper English?” I want to ask a couple of questions.

Why is there a direct correlation between how a man treats his mom and his significant other?

Why don’t more women pay attention to that?

Is it me, or is it increasingly hard to find a women carrying less then five bags?

Did “Bag Lady” make carrying excess baggage around cool (listen to the words)?

Where did Badu go, I miss her music?

When did being a player become synonymous to our ideals of being a man?

Can the thought of love lost cripple a man?

Is a world where we put money and career first a world I really want to live in?

Do I have a choice?

Are hoop and rap dreams the new Black Man’s Kryptonite?

Are Black women reading this shaking their heads saying, “Naw it’s the same as it has always been?”

Did I spell Kryptonite right?

What’s the black woman’s Kryptonite?

Did I not get the memo that says shacking up is cool?

Why do successful black men get the big head?

Instead of getting on your high horse, shouldn’t you be reaching down to lift up others?

Why can’t you will yourself into loving someone?

Why do people want people they can’t have, and don’t want people they can have?

Isn’t human nature nuts?

Why does right seem so boring and doing wrong seem like so much fun?

Isn’t BG Guide cracking?

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“…I wouldn’t care if you was a prostitute and that you hit every man that you ever knew, cause you see it wouldn’t make a difference if that was way before me and you.”

            -          Musiq, You and Me

I guess you probably feel differently then me Musiq, but this is a deal breaker. We all have standards, and I’m not judging you former prostitute, but you’re just not for me. I may not be for you either, for whatever reason. We all have them, whether we articulate them or not…deal breakers.

A deal breaker is something about a person that you just can’t get around. Whether it is jacked up teeth, bad breath, a size requirement, too skinny, morality, religious beliefs, race, color and a host of other things can be your personal deal breaker in finding a mate.  Some of these things superficial, some on a deeper level, but does it matter? You can’t will yourself around it, you can’t fight through a deal breaker (that is, if it is truly a DB).

We’ve all been there, you find a person who seems perfect, but they have a latent defect that you don’t see off the bat. You don’t get too involved, but enough to catch feelings and out of nowhere like a ton of bricks, deal breaker.  For me there is a sense of remorse for being too superficial, or too hard-nosed to get past them. Where do they come from? Was I born with this aversion to the snow cone shape body? Or the reformed promiscuous girl?

It’s funny because I’m almost ashamed of some of my deal breakers. I had to search my DB vault and come up with some PC examples. I wonder do other people feel the same way? Do you give up your standards in order to be open-minded or not feel like a jerk? I think the question to that is heck naw (yes I said heck naw, I’m from TN). What are my qualities that have broken deals for me? Interesting to think about.

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I want to start off this post by saying thank you to the people who comment, whether its on the site or not. Feedback is always great whether its constructive criticism or praise. I want to create a dialogue. Although I am the young black male perspective to this site, I want everyone to chime in and discuss what each cast member writes weekly. With that said, let’s talk.

Flirtation is the catalyst that sparks a vast majority of relationships. Some say it’s not how you start, but how you finish, I agree but a good start never hurt anyone. Let’s face it, if you don’t start out right, you may not go anywhere. The truth is we are mostly flying by the seat of our pants. But if we would just stop and examine our “flirtee” we may be more effective.

Flirtation is important, but this is a just a small portion of the communication that happens between men and women on a daily basis. Being a people watcher, it amazes me (and I wish I could break it down to a science) the unspoken language that the opposite sex uses to convey interests, marking territory, aggressiveness, indifference, and a host of other things we give off to each other daily. The beauty and tragedy is, we are all different.

We convey what we think differently and we comprehend things differently. This creates a huge gray area that leaves us saying, “Men are from Mars, and most women need Jesus (or something like that).” The point is we can use flirtation, body language, compliments, signs, hieroglyphics, pig latin, even smoke signals to convey how we feel, but nothing beats a direct approach.

The direct approach doesn’t leave you wondering if your smoke signals are being mistaken for chimney smoke. It also eliminates the possibility that your flirting is understood, but just ignored because the person you’re flirting with isn’t interested (ouch). Don’t get me wrong, flirting is great and has a place but when all else fails leaving your love fate in the hands of ambiguous communication can leave you alone and salty.

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“Your flirt hand is way strong kemosabe.” The art of flirting. It’s a powerful weapon in the dating game, if wielded correctly. The ability to implement a wink, slight brush of the arm, well-placed laugh or a flattering remark is deadly. There are two ends of the flirting spectrum. Sometimes flirting can come off sleazy. In the sex-crazed world we live in, people tend to cut to the chase, and forget about the chase.

Sexual innuendos, double entendres and just crude talk are on the, “Tactless, borderline sexual harassment case” end of the spectrum. Then of course, there is the person who doesn’t know how to flirt at all. This person’s idea of flirting may be the playful punch or the wink and the gun (lose the gun). The only thing worse, is the person who is too nervous to flirt.

Flirting is a form of communication. I want to convey to this person, hey I notice you. Some of us flirt with EVERYONE (I’ve been accused of this…I think its bologna), some of us flirt because we are really interested. There are many reasons to flirt, some of flirt to see if we still got it, others don’t even realize they’re flirting, but most of all people flirt to gauge how much the person they’re flirting with is feeling them.

Regardless of why you flirt, there is a thin line between being flirtatious and being down right obnoxious. You have to understand you can’t flirt with everyone the same. It’s almost a science. Gauge the personality of the person you’re flirting with and work from there. But most important the ability to know when to pump the brakes is key. The last thing you want is for your tool you’re using for good to turn on you, leaving you shooting duds with the wink and the gun.

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The start of a new year signifies the ability to start over again. We are usually forced to examine the mistakes we’ve made, the accomplishments, heartaches, hard times, blessings, etc. from the previous year. We vow to continue the good things we’ve done, alleviate the bad, and resolve to be more fruitful. Then reality sets in, life happens and the true examination of our lives doesn’t always happen.

A resolution is a firmness in purpose. The beginning of a calendar year can not automatically constitute the beginning of true purpose. We often feel a false sense of freshness or new beginning when the clock strikes 12 a.m. on January 1st. A fresh start ultimately begins when we resolve to pursue purpose. Let the New Year be symbolic of that resolve, but understand it doesn’t automatically signify a firmness in purpose.

With that said, I vow to write more frequently, figure out what I really want to do with my life, take more chances, listen to myself more, change some bad habits, but most of all be more aware of how I feel. I recently had a conversation with someone who inspires me, we were exchanging lofty ideals (as we generally do), and it wasn’t until I saw what I wrote that I truly understood what being aware of one’s self really means.

I wrote something to the tune of being a man you dismiss a lot of how you feel, because you aren’t supposed to feel it, I think that hinders my growth. Therefore, I am trying to tap into life as it comes, and not how I’m supposed to perceive it. Life is entirely too short to be caught up in the bubbles society creates for us. No one ever stood out by being ordinary. Seek your purpose diligently, if you’re blessed to find it, stop at nothing to fulfill it.

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Family.  Never has a word sparked so many different emotions across the spectrum. Family is often times the origin of emotional stability, warmth, caring faces, good memories and security.  On the other side, it may be the bane of one’s very existence. No one has the ability to hurt you like those who are close. Family can be the cause of deep seeded hang-ups, insecurities and warped ideals about life. And like most families, you may have a healthy mix of all these things.

I’m writing about family because especially during this holiday season, we are forced to face our families and those emotions that seeing our family evokes. Even those of us who aren’t able to visit, don’t have families, or don’t want to see them are especially susceptible too “family” during this season. We are bombarded with images of holiday get-togethers, dinners and festivities on television, while shopping, and hear about it while discussing holiday plans with friends. 

If those emotions are negative, put them aside and look at how you can create a more pleasant holiday. If they are good, make them better. Life is short and love is glue that makes life worth living. Forgiveness is the burden no one should bare; so let it go (I feel like Dr. Phil, but a little less annoying…I digress). I know you didn’t choose that family, but you’re stuck now.

Regardless of what emotions the word family brings to mind, we have the power to try to perpetuate the good, and alleviate the bad. Whatever problems you may have with you family during this holiday season, put them aside and realize the true blessing that family can be. And for those without the traditional “family,” blood doesn’t make a strong family, the willingness to love unconditionally is.

I pray everyone has a blessed, safe, and happy holiday season. Eat a ton of food, kiss someone under the mistletoe (even if its your momma on the cheek), tell someone you love them, eat some more, give even if you don’t think you’ll receive, eat a tab bit more, and be merry. Love and Blessings.

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Needing love, and desiring love and not having the ability to accept that love because you don’t feel you are worth it is a tragedy. I wrote this about a woman who seeks the affection she didn’t receive from a father figure, and how it ultimately effects how you perceive love and relationships. The discussion continues…

Daddy

She came into her own

Absence of her daddy left her grown

Too early

Into the dawn she’d walk

Into the arms of another she’d stalk the good life

Or what she thought of it

Strong arms, false sense of shelter

Pretty face, so this is what the cards dealt her

Fully harnessing the power she was given

Not knowing it would fade

She glitter like a gem

I called her Jade

Faded pictures of a jaded woman

With stories of the empty days

Full of empty cheers

Warm bodies, but lonely nights

Faded into lonely days

She’d fill her cup

For her intuition begged for attention

But left her wanting and wishing

For real love

In a world full of deception

She’d need to seek the One

Not found in any man

But the Savior, of all who’s lost

Man only brings empty promises

Hidden motives

And potent pheromones

Lust and disaster

But when you trust in the Master

He’ll lead you.

Because you’re the one who’ll put you first on this earth.

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